Hold me closer, tiny dancer

I’m a total wank on IM (instant messenger). I can engage in long, meaningless, tangential conversations that lack information and are only a means of jerking my wit off.
Which I cannot do on phone. I hate phones.
I am filled with dread of making conversation when it rings. So much so that I sometimes don’t even pick it up, out of performance anxiety. I wait for the message instead. Indeed, why call when you can text? It may be because it’s urgent.
And it’s this premise that makes me sweat when the phone rings.
But on IM, I’m witty*, I’m edgy, I’m cool, I’m quick on the uptake, I roll with the punches, I’m Elton John in Las Vegas. Until you ask me a real question. Like say, “How are you?”.
It stops Elton’s parade; He doesn’t know how to answer it. It takes away the tinsel and the flattering lights that make Elton a glorious queen and exposes him to be a old, fatty homo who has always had bad eye-sight. A spotlight then digs into Elton’s soul and a voice like God booms the question again, “HOW ARE YOU, ELTON?
Elton backs into a corner, but the light follows him, as he collapses into a huddle in the corner and weeps into his knees.
So I get defensive and think you are the idiot.
Who asks a question like that? That’s small talk. I hate small talk. I like big wank.
I don’t want communication, I want information. I don’t want a deep meaningful relationship, I want a quick, satisfying shag.

* Of course in my head. To the recipient, I’m a sad shunned nerd

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8 thoughts on “Hold me closer, tiny dancer

  1. Join the club. I don’t do phone anymore. I get 1000 anytime minutes on my cell phone every month and I use about 40. I don’t know what to say to people.

    Answer the “How are you” trap thusly: “Uber-fantastic, how the fuck are you?” Or, “Huh? How am I? Who talks like that in real life?”

    G

  2. You’re on a roll chook! I’m loving the four posts in a day thing.

    I have to say I wasn’t sure the M I spoke to on the phone was the M I had written to or chatted with.

  3. I have a friend who starts all her phone conversations (whether we’re talking for the 6th time in the day – doesn’t matter) with “HiHowAreYouDoing?How’sSachin?”
    AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH……
    I do have to defend my “how are yous” though…it’s only because I interact with superficial people all day.
    Also, G, now I know not to ever call you. We’ll text if ever. MP, I will continue calling you because I think you sound the same both ways. You’re a cool gal to all my senses.

  4. Well, we speak very very rarely, so there’s always something to talk about. But I have neighbour who works in my office and every time I pass her, she calls out, “HiHowAreYou?” I figured it was because she’s in marketing.

  5. Struck me how British-sounding the post was.. you got all the top sex words in a single post ‘wank/shag/jerk off (admitted more American).. maybe pouf for elton and you would have had it all 🙂

  6. I don’t know what it was…you sounded a bit, edgy may be? I now know it really is you I was talking to. Phew!

    I hope you feel much better soon…or may be not too soon…we’ll miss the blogging.

  7. aa: Since we get our language from the British, UK is the standard used in all media publications (except those with US affiliation). And I do prefer UK slang to US. It’s the lit geek in me.
    f: Sorry, I was trying not to sound uncomfortable be all breezy and cool. Did.Not.Work.

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