Shopping for irony

I’m battling another epic sinus infection and find jalneti to be very helpful. That’s the third orifice I’ve flushed water in and out of in the past months, and the experience has been a pleasurable one.
I currently stick a sporty water bottle up my nose because I find the intimacy of its nozzle very comforting, but I need a neti pot to build the right pressure at the right angle. Also, I’m terrified that someone may accidentally use the bottle to drink from and then my life-long career in mortification will be complete.
Quick Internet research tells me that I can either borrow one from a Gandhian; or buy a ceramic one in chakra-pleasing colours baked in a Feng Shui kiln located in San Francisco for $16. It’s probably imported from Taiwan too.
I wish my grandmother was here. She’d just ask me to shut up, put me on her lap, clamp my nose and pour some Sudharshan Kadha down my throat and watch my oesophagus burn. Then clap in glee.
Found at our local Dollar Store:

Just add hamburger

Also available, blueberry muffin mix with imitation blueberries infused with artificial flavouring. But they caught me before I could take a picture of it.

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